Salvation
by nsane1
Summary: (okay, plot changed, summary changed) Beka and Dylan's relationship has taken a rocky turn. Can they work it out before one of them kills the other?
1. A Thousand Sleepless Nights

salvation1

Salvation

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I just borrow them when my creative self rears its ugly head   
Summary: Beka deals with what happened in _It Makes a Lovely Light_   
Spoilers: _It Makes a Lovely Light_-actually, it's suggested that you see this episode before reading. In fact, it's even strongly recommended. And I haven't seen the finale yet, so if this makes no sense, I apologize.   
Author's Note: I'm pretty sure I know where I'm going with this, so please review and tell me if it stinks or if you want more (or both)! 

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Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.   
-_Buddha_ **_Chapter One: A Thousand Sleepless Nights_****__**

For the third time that night, Beka woke up screaming. And, for the third time that night, Rommie's face popped on screen.   
  
"Are you alright, Beka Valentine?"   
  
Beka groaned. "Andromeda, engage privacy mode."   
  
"Privacy mode engaged, authorization Acting First Officer Beka Valentine," the face onscreen announced, then flickered away, leaving Beka in the darkness once more. 

She rolled out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom, splashing water over her sweaty face. Rubbing a towel over her face, she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She looked like hell. She felt like hell. Hell, she was in Hell! 

It was the same routine every night. Eat dinner alone on the _Maru_. Throw away most of it. Fix stuff that needed to be fixed until eleven. Fix stuff that didn't need to be fixed until one. Walk the long way to her quarters. Read for half an hour. Pace for another. Go to bed and toss and turn for a third. Fall asleep around 2:30. Wake up at three. Assure Rommie she's fine. Repeat at four. Repeat at 4:30. Snap at Rommie and request privacy mode. Give up sleeping for the night. Go to the Officer's Mess and have coffee. Pretend she was wide awake. Cycle repeated at 7:30. 

Beka knew everyone had noticed, but after she had slept through an entire shift on Command and no one had commented, she had decided either no one cared, or that they thought she was too "fragile" for a major argument. 

'It's probably the second,' Beka thought bitterly as she got dressed. 'I only OD'd on Flash and almost killed myself, not to mention everyone else first, two weeks ago. It's not like I'm a goddamn invalid.' 

Yawning tiredly and muttering something along the lines of "It's not fair that I'm up at this God-forsaken hour," Beka tramped on down to the Officer's Mess. Unfortunately, for reasons unbeknownst to none but himself, she found Dylan there as well. Before she could turn around and leave, he said, 

"Care to join me for a cup of coffee?" 

"Why not?" Beka sighed resignedly, and sat down across from him. He pushed a cup of coffee towards her.   
"You like it black, right?" 

"No, I like it darker than that," she muttered sarcastically under her breath, but downed it like a person lost in the desert for three days. Her hand shook as she put the coffee down, and she said softly, "I thought I told you to stop that." 

"So, Beka..." Dylan started, choosing to ignore her comment. 

"So, Dylan..." she mocked, looking down into her cup of coffee and knowing exactly what was coming next. 

"Rommie tells me you've been down here every morning around this time since..." Dylan seemed uncomfortable about saying it out loud, so he took the chicken's way out. "For two weeks." 

"Yeah, so?" Beka challenged. 

"So? Beka, I need you awake. This isn't healthy. It's almost as bad as..." Dylan winced visibly. 

"As what, Dylan? As taking..." here she gasped dramatically "Flash? Well, let me tell you, Dylan, not sleeping is a hell of a lot better." 

"Beka, listen, I know you're going through some hard times, and I'm here if you want to talk about it," Dylan told her. 

"Yippee, my own personal counselor," Beka said dryly. 

"Beka, don't do this. You need some help. This is a hard situation to deal with. Let me-" he began, but Beka didn't let him finish. 

"Dylan, I'm fine. I can deal with this by myself. I don't need help, not yours, and not anybody else's, okay? So stay out of it and mind your own business," she said angrily, all the more so for subconsciously knowing that he was right and she was wrong. 

"Beka, as your Captain, I think I need to make it my business," he reminded her. He sounded so concerned, it almost made Beka sick. 

"I think you don't. I told you, I can handle it!" Beka repeated, and stormed out of the Mess. 

Dylan was left behind with two cups of coffee, and sighed as he ordered, "Rommie, I want you to keep an eye on her at all times." 

"Are you sure that's wise, Dylan?" Rommie asked. 

"No, but it's the only thing I can do right now," he replied. "Beka needs to work this out on her own before she comes to me, or anyone else." 

On the _Maru_, Beka sat in the pilot's chair and shook violently. 

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Please review! Good, bad, what should I fix for future chapters, should I continue? Review, please! 


	2. Cure

salvation2

Salvation

Author's Note: The story is mine. The characters aren't.   
Spoilers: Minor (and you have to be good to catch it) for _The Pearls that Were His Eyes_, and of course, _It Makes a Lovely Light_   
Author's Note: Well, since they didn't address this in the finale, I feel better about writing it...So review, please! (anyone want to collaborate on this? my e-mail address is nsane1@optonline.net) 

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Words are the physicians of the mind diseased.   
_-Aeschylus_ **__**

**_Chapter Two: Cure_**

"Say 'Ah,'" Trance directed to a sullen Beka, who stuck out her tongue instead.   
  
"I'm fine, Trance. I don't know why I need a checkup, anyway. If the stuff is out of my system, then it's out." 

Trance sighed. Beka was the most difficult patient in 3 galaxies. If it hadn't been for Dylan's concern for his first officer, Trance could have been talking with her plants. Instead, she was here, with Beka, although she could see why Dylan was worried. Beka didn't have Harper's immune system, but she would still get sick if this went on much longer. "Beka, could you hand me that flexi?" 

"This one?" Beka asked. 

Trance nodded, watching Beka carefully. Yup, her hand was shaking like a leaf. Trance went into doctor mode. "Beka, your hand is shaking!" 

"So?" 

"How long has this been happening?" 

"I dunno." At Trance's frown, Beka confessed, "It started about a week ago." 

"Beka! Is it ever worse?" 

"Sometimes." 

"How much worse?" 

"My whole body, okay? This is like the goddamn Inquisition!" Beka complained. "I'm just tired, that's all." 

The worst patient in 6 galaxies! "Beka, you're not just tired, you're fatigued. Your body could just shut down one day! What if it happens when you're piloting?"   
  
"Not much chance of that happening," Beka pointed out, then let her shoulders slump. "I just haven't been able to sleep, Trance, no matter how tired I am. I have this nightmare...one that hasn't bothered me since I was little." 

"Oh," Trance said simply, hoping her friend would explain. She wasn't disappointed. 

"It's always the same dream. My father's there, and we're on the _Maru_. He's teaching me how to pilot, like usual, and then suddenly I look at him and his eyes are completely white. 'We have to stop playing now, Rocket. I know I promised, but Daddy's got important work to do.' At that point, when I was little, he'd lock me in my room in the dark and I'd hear him talking to himself, talking about weird things, wrong things. But now, he's got a forcelance and he's pointing it at me and saying, 'You're just not worth the fuel, my little ball and chain,' except in Sid's voice, and then he tries to push me out an airlock and saying the whole time how I'm Daddy's little girl and I always will be-and that's usually when I wake up screaming." Beka shuddered and pulled her knees to her chest. 

"Oh, Beka," Trance said, putting an arm around her friend's shoulders. 

"He's right, Trance! I wasn't worth the fuel then, and I'm not now. I don't know why Dylan hasn't kicked me off yet, especially after...Trance, I'm so tired." 

"Shhh, Bek, I'll give you a sedative so you can sleep," Trance assured her, helping Beka to lie down. 

Beka didn't resist, although she did say, "But that doesn't solve anything." 

"No, it doesn't," Trance agreed. "You have to do that yourself. Most of the time, defeating your demons means you have to face them first. Or let others help you face them," Trance added, thinking of Dylan. She administered the sedative. 

"Have to...fix everything.. Got to talk...talk to Dylan, show him I'm not...my father," Beka muttered, trailing off as the sedative took hold. 

Trance smiled. "And sometimes, curing the mind means you cure the body."   


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Author's Note: Okay, from here I plan to have her talk to Dylan, Rev, Harper, and Tyr (not necessarily in that order) with maybe a few other scenes thrown in. How does that sound? Good comments, bad comments, in-between comments, and any other comments are appreciated! 


	3. Dylan

salvation3

**Salvation**

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Disclaimer: I don't own any character you've seen on TV. And don't sue me, 'cause my daddy's a lawyer.   
Spoilers: _It Makes a Lovely Light_   
Author's Note: Well, I wasn't going to finish this, but thanks to some great reviews, I've been inspired to continue. So, thanks to all who have reviewed, and please review some more and tell me what to change! Oh, and I'm sorry it's so short. I didn't feel it needed to be any longer. But if you feel differently, there's always that little box on the bottom of the page and the submit button!   
Author's Writing Note: So, now I'm involved in two fics, written in two very different ways. Expect an update to _When the Past Comes Back_ pretty soon, and after that I'll probably alternate between fics. Thanks for your patience! 

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You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.   
-_Frank Crane_ __

**_Chapter Three: Dylan_****__**

"Just go and talk to him. That's all you have to do. What's the worst thing that can happen? Do you think he'll bite you? He's a nice guy. Too nice. He offered his help; stop being so god damn stubborn and take it." 

"Beka? Who are you talking to?" 

Beka jumped and tried her best to regain her composure. "Um...Rommie's hologram." 

Dylan wasn't convinced. Beka wasn't surprised. In a tone so dry even a Nietzschean would be envious, Dylan spoke one word. 

"Really." 

"Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you," Beka admitted. "I mean, Trance suggested I should talk to you," she said quickly. 

"What do you want to talk about?" Dylan asked. She looked so...lost. Remembering what Trance had told him, he waited for Beka to take the first step. 

Dylan was disappointed when she began talking, and Beka could feel it. "What's up next? What good are we going to do this week?" 

"No good except for putting more money into some vendor's pocket. We need to resupply. Harper wants to upgrade Rommie's droids again, and he says the slipstream drive is pretty much shot, so he needs a bunch of parts to bring it up to operability. We also need-" Dylan broke off when he saw Beka's face. 

"It's my fault, isn't it." Her voice was hardly more than a whisper, her expression strained, her face pale. 

"Beka-" he started, unable to continue because he knew it was true. "I won't lie to you, Beka. The failed trip to Tarn-Vedra, to use Mr. Harper's exact words, 'screwed the drive and left it in the alley to die.' But he said he can fix it," he assured her. 

"Of course he can," Beka responded, emotionless. 

Dylan decided that he had to bring up the subject or it wouldn't be talked about, no matter what Trance said. "Beka, I meant what I said. When you were...recovering. I'm here." 

"Dylan?" Beka asked hesitantly. 

"Hmm?" It was now or never. Neither of them would bring up the subject again if she left it here. 

"Why didn't you dump me off on some planet? Make me leave?" Beka's eyes pleaded with him to answer. If one man in her life was ever going to be honest with, it was this man answering this question. She knew-he would tell her the truth or he would destroy her. She wondered if he knew too. Looking into his eyes, she knew the answer. 

"Because I'm not that kind of person. Beka, I would never throw you off this ship because you made a mistake. Yes, it was a bad mistake, and yes, I may have thrown you in the brig for a time and I wouldn't hesitate to do so again, but I would never force you to leave." He took her hands and stared into her eyes. "The only way you will leave is of your own free will if you want to leave, and even then I'll try damn hard to keep you here." 

"But _why_?" Beka could have left it there, but she needed to know. Her father would have dumped her for screwing up that bad. Her brother would have done the same without a second thought. Why wouldn't Dylan? 

"Because you're my friend, Beka. And I don't betray my friends."   
  
With that, he drew her into his arms and held her. That was the only reason he heard her whisper, 

"Thank you." 


	4. The Lesser Evil

salvation4

**Salvation**

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story. But I do own the story. So don't take it, cause my dad's a lawyer.   
Spoilers: _It Makes a Lovely Light_ and _It's Hour Come Round at Last_ (there's a short recap in there)   
Author's Note: Okay, after thinking this over, and reading suggestions and reviews, this story is going in an entirely different direction than I planned. Oh, well, that's the fun of writing. So, disregard any author's notes in the first chapter. And review! (BTW, I'm going to start reviewing other people's stories. I've been a bad girl)   
Author's Note, Pt. 2: Someone classified this as a Dylan/Beka fanfic. Since I'm not sure which couples I want together on _Andromeda_ anymore, this is now officially a D/B fanfic. Not in this chapter, but eventually.   
OT Author's Note: I've started another story. Do you want me to start posting now, or when I'm done with _Salvation_ and _When the Past Comes Back_?   
Okay, on with the story! 

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I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.   
_-Eleanor Roosevelt_

**_Chapter Four: The Lesser Evil_**

Beka returned to conciousness very slowly, gradually becoming aware of every ache and pain in her body. Blinking her eyes open, she noticed a throbbing headache, dizziness, and nausea. 

"Super," she groaned, "a concussion." She brought her fingers up to her forehead and winced when they came away bloody. She checked herself over, and found mostly bruises, a burn on her arm, and possible broken ribs. Beka carefully stood up, clutching the broken pilot's chair as the world spun around her. After the feeling of vertigo passed, the events of the last day came flooding back to her. 

_Her and Dylan. A toast-to the Commonwealth. Optimism and pessimism. Rommie...not the real Rommie. God, Tyr coming to the rescue. Magog ships. Magog. Millions of them. Splitting up. Magog rushing at her and Dylan. Fighting. Trying to reach Command. Dylan getting hurt. Point-Singularity Weapon. Blackness.___

"Dylan," she muttered, stumbling over to check on him. Suddenly, she couldn't breathe, and pain lanced through her body. She saw black spots before her eyes before the pain vanished into thin air and her body armor fell in front of her. Beka fell to her knees, gasping for breath and failing. 

"Shallow breaths, Beka," a soft voice said, and she felt gentle hands rubbing her back. Trance. 

She tried desperately to follow the girl's advice, and found it easier to breathe after a few minutes. It still hurt, but less, and she thanked whoever was listening that Trance had woken up. 

"How are you feeling?" Trance asked, coming around so that Beka could see her. The purple girl had purple blood running down the side of her face, and she was cradling one arm, but other than that, she seemed fine. 

"Ugh," Beka replied. "Concussion. Maybe broken ribs." 

"I'd say definitely, if you're having that much trouble breathing," Trance said, checking on Dylan. 

"What about you?" Beka wondered, not letting Trance get away so easily.   
  
"Concussion, same as you. And my arm hurts, but I don't think it's broken," Trance answered, distractedly. 

Beka was afraid to ask the next question, but she did it anyway. "How's Dylan?" 

Trance was equally afraid to answer. "Not good. He...he'll die without proper medical care." 

Beka closed her eyes. Her world was spinning out of control again, and, again, she could do nothing to stop it. As she sunk into despair, she failed to hear Trance calling her name. Her body exploded into pain again as Trance got her attention. 

"Ow, Trance, why did you do that?" Beka exclaimed, tears filling her eyes unbidden. 

"I had to get your attention, somehow, Beka, I'm sorry!" Trance explained just as tearfully. 

Beka shook her head and immediately wished she hadn't. At least it had cleared her mind of self-pity. She took charge. "Okay, so we need to get Dylan to Med Deck. I think there are some antigrav units around here somewhere. Trance, you look for those, and I'll see if I can find the clearest path to where we need to go." 

"No," Beka heard someone say softly. She knew it wasn't Trance. 

"What? Dylan, you're awake!" 

"Don't waste your time," he whispered, and Beka had to lean closer to hear him. 

"What do you mean?" 

"On me," he explained. 

"Dylan, I told you, I don't leave crewmembers behind," she told him fiercely, trying hard not to cry. 

"Not...leaving me behind," he gasped out, the pain making it difficult for him to speak. "Triage." 

"No, Dylan." She knew what he meant. "You're not going to die." 

"Help...others." 

"No," she whispered, the tears slipping down her face. 

"Yes. Save...Rommie. Destroy...Magog. Code..." he faded out. 

"What code?" she asked softly. 

"_Andromeda_," he said, and somehow, she heard him. 

"Captain." 

"Transfer Nova bomb launch authorization to First Officer Beka Valentine. Authorization Code Lexic Dark 997." 

"Aye, Nova bomb laucnh authorization transfered, authorization High Guard Captain Dylan Hunt." 

She shook her head again, tears streaming down her face. "No." 

"Do...what you have to do," Dylan forced out, trying to stay awake for one more moment. 

"No, Dylan, you have to do it, I can't," she rambled on, trying to keep him with her. 

"Optimism," he said, and then was gone. 

"Dylan!" Beka yelled. "Dylan." He wasn't dead, somehow she knew that, but he would be soon if she didn't do something. "Trance, forget the antigrav units." 

"But Beka-" Trance started. 

"No. We have to destroy the World Ship and save the rest of the crew. Go round up as many guns as you can from the weapons locker. It's two doors down on the left. Here, take my force lance and be careful. I'm going to find the emergency Med Kit so we can function." 

Beka waited until Trance had left the room before heading for a pile of rubbish directly across from the Med Kit. Through the pain, a memory had come into her mind, bright and clear. Dylan had never destroyed that bottle of Flash she had thrown at him. He had never found it; it had rolled into some little nook or cranny of the ship and had been forgotten. But she knew where it was; she could get to it. If only it wasn't broken. She dug through the rubble, ignoring the both warning signals of her conscience and the pain from her nervous system telling her to stop. Finally, her efforts were rewarded, and she held the unbroken bottle of white liquid in one hand. Her hand was shaking as she drew out the stopper. 

"It's for the crew," she told herself. "I'll be faster, stronger, and then I can save them and destroy the worldship and save Dylan. They'll see." 

But then, as in every bad movie and novel she had read, a tiny little voice in the back of her mind said, 'Remember what happened the last time. Think of what Dylan will say. Maybe he'll kick you off this time, if you don't die first.' 

"Everyone's going to die if I don't do this," she argued. 

'They will if you do. You won't be able to stop, and you'll OD again and this time, Dylan won't be able to save you.' 

"Shut up!" she insisted. "I'm not having a conversation with myself." But there was that seed of doubt planted there, and her hand stopped a moment before the liquid would have gone into her eye. 

Staring from the bottle of Flash to Dylan and back again, Beka made her decision. 

_To Be Continued...___

I'm so evil. 


	5. When Talking isn't Enough

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Hell, I barely own the plot!  
  
Spoilers: It's Hour Come 'Round At Last  
  
Author's note: Okay, the original point of this fic has completely disappeared, but if you pretend that the season opener didn't happen the way it did and it happened the way it did in the last chapter, and you read this for the romance, you'll probably enjoy it. Anyway, review please!  
  
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It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them.  
  
-Dame Rose Macaulay  
  
Chapter Five: When Talking Isn't Enough  
  
Beka hummed quietly as she worked on fixing the Maru, knowing that no one would hear her. She would shoot herself if anyone did, but she doubted anyone would.  
  
"Beka? Are you in here?"  
  
Beka jerked up quickly, and smacked her head on the arm of her pilot's chair. "Damn damn damn damn!" she sung out. "No one's in here; go away!"  
  
It didn't work. Dylan poked his head into the bridge of the Maru, smirking as he saw his first officer dancing around and holding her head. "You okay?"  
  
"No, I'm not, you idiot!" she hissed at him. Her head hurt like hell.  
  
"How about letting Captain Idiot take a look at your head?" Dylan suggested.  
  
"How about..." Beka pretended to think about it. "No. I'm fine."  
  
"Maybe you should sit down," Dylan tried. Truth was, he was worried about his first officer. The events of the past week were mostly a confusing blur, but he quite clearly remembered Beka's tear-stained face as he reasoned with her to leave him and save the others. From what Trance had told him, Beka had passed out after accepting the fact that she needed to save the others first and then Dylan, and Trance had ended up dragging both of them to Med Deck. Dylan had gone to the World Ship, saved Harper, Rev, and Tyr, and came back to the Andromeda. Beka had tried to blow up the World Ship, failed, but sprung back as usual. Or had she?  
  
"Dylan, I'm fine," Beka said, rolling her eyes and sitting in the chair before he could make a big deal out of it. She knew what was coming next. Briefly, she considered stunning him, throwing him off the Maru, and making a run for it, then decided against that particular plan of attack on the basis that the man had a boomerang complex. No matter how far you threw him, he always came back.  
  
"Are you? Beka, I think we need to talk," Dylan said.  
  
"I so called that," she muttered darkly, then stood up a bit too quickly. "I think I need to go to Med Deck so that I can get a painkiller from the Purple One."  
  
Dylan surprised her by grabbing her arm, forcing her back into the chair, and bending down so he was staring directly at her face. "No, we need to talk, Rebecca. And if I have to tie you to this chair to do it, I will."  
  
Beka glared at him, then accepted the inevitable. "So, Dylan, what do you want to talk about? I mean, fashion advice isn't exactly my strong point and I'm not the best with hair, either-"  
  
He cut her off quite effectively by putting his hand over her mouth. "Beka. We need to talk about what happened during the Magog swarm."  
  
"Well, the Magog came on board, we shot a hell of a lot of them, you got injured, Tyr and Harper got captured, Rev pretended to turn evil, Trance and I got injured, Trance saved both our asses, you saved everybody else's asses, and we escaped. What more is there?" Beka finished, aware that she had been rambling.  
  
"Back up to in between 'Trance and I got injured' and 'Trance saved both our asses'. That's what we need to talk about," Dylan said.  
  
"What's there to talk about?" Beka asked, turning around and facing away from him.  
  
"I don't remember much, but I do remember that you looked pretty upset," Dylan said, trying to put it so she wouldn't get defensive. It didn't work.  
  
"Me? Upset? I wasn't upset. It was...the heat of the moment," Beka explained, quite unconvincingly. "I thought you were going to die, I was injured, and...I lost control. That was all."  
  
Dylan accepted that for the moment, knowing he wouldn't get anything else out of her. "Okay, heat of the moment."  
  
"Is there anything else?" Beka asked, irritated. "My head really hurts."  
  
"Actually, there was one more thing. Trance said she found you with...well, with a bottle...a bottle of...um...Flash," Dylan stuttered out, feeling uncomfortable. Beka tensed up immediately.  
  
"So?" Beka would have lied, but she couldn't when she could feel his eyes on her.  
  
"So? What happened, Beka?" He closed his eyes, praying that she wouldn't take this the wrong way. His prayers were unanswered.  
  
"What happened? Do you really want to know?" Beka turned around and looked right into his eyes, challenging him to say no. "Fine. I'll tell you. I thought about taking Flash. I was about to before my brain had a Rommie-esque conversation with itself! One side wanted to take it so I could help the crew, and the other said no because I would be betraying you. And you know what? I decided not to take it. There, are you happy now? I chose not betraying you over the lives of my crew!"  
  
"Beka, I'm sorry, I-" Dylan started, but was abruptly cut off by a slap to the face.  
  
"Get off my ship!" Beka screamed at him. "You get off my ship right now, because I'm leaving!"  
  
"Beka, please, think about it," Dylan pleaded.  
  
In response, she hit him again, then pointed a gun at him. "You get off my ship, or I'll shoot you. And I can't miss."  
  
He raised his hands, and backed carefully away. She followed him, made sure he was off the ship, then sealed the airlock behind him. She sat back down in her chair, buckled herself in, and prepared for take-off.  
  
Dylan rushed to a computer terminal, shouting, "Rommie, don't let the Maru leave!"  
  
She appeared on the screen in front of him. "I already did; why?"  
  
"Never mind; connect me with the Maru," he ordered, cursing silently. When Beka's face appeared on the screen, he said quickly, "Beka, don't leave, please. We can talk this out."  
  
"I'm through with talking, Dylan. I'm sick of this whole talking thing," Beka spat out.  
  
"I'm leaving, and don't expect me back any time soon." With that, she cut communications, and Dylan hung his head against the wall.  
  
On the Maru, Beka exited slipstream and just hung in empty space. She had no idea where she was going to go, and she had no idea why she had just did what she did.  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
Author's note, part two: Where am I going with this? Stick around and find out. But I promise, there will be romance. 


	6. Finding Rafe

Disclaimer: I own no one and nothing  
  
Spoilers: It Makes a Lovely Light  
  
Author's note: Well, here's the sixth chapter! After a little help from my muse...anyway, I know where this is going now, so expect this to finish up quickly! (and yes, there will be Beka/Dylan...promise)  
  
So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty. All other pacts of love or fear derive from it and are modeled upon it.  
  
-Haniel Long  
  
Chapter Six: Finding Rafe  
  
Beka Valentine found herself on a Drift. At least it wasn't a planet, because she hated planets. But Drifts...there was a certain irony to them. Drifts were where lost people drifted to. And she hated the idea of being a lost person. She wasn't lost. She knew exactly where she was, and she was in her home. But she still felt lost.  
  
She sighed as she wandered through the run-down halls of the station. Why did she have the nagging feeling that she wanted to be somewhere else?  
  
"Because you do, you idiot. You want to be back on the Andromeda with Dylan," she muttered to herself, ignoring the strange looks from passersby. Harshly, she continued her conversation, "You're pathetic, Valentine. You don't need him. Why would I need him? He's just a man. A particularly annoying man who needs to talk about everything! Everything! Like I need a psychoanalyst or whatever they're called."  
  
Beka's tirade at herself was cut off abruptly when some jerk tried to put an arm around her shoulder. She was about to shove him off and tell him to crawl back under whatever rock he came from when she came to an alarming conclusion-it was Rafe. Her brother Rafe. Trying to pick her up.  
  
"Rafe?! Rafe, what the hell do you think you're doing?" she yelled at him, now fully unaware of anyone else on the Drift.  
  
"What? Baby sis? What are you doing here, last I saw you, you were on the Andromeda, I thought I was leaving you there and you'd stay there and you'd be safe!" he said rapidly, backing off of her and shaking his hands nervously.  
  
"I am safe," Beka told him angrily. "I fended you off well enough. What is wrong with you?"  
  
"Nothing's wrong with me, Rocket, nothing at all," he insisted, scratching at his head. "Why would something be wrong?"  
  
Beka's eyes widened at she suddenly recognized his actions. "Rafe..." she said. She didn't want to believe it, but she had been around too many addicts to know. "You're on Flash!"  
  
"Rocket, no I'm not, not me! You know I would never, ever do a thing like that!" he said.  
  
Beka looked at him with disgust. "You can't fool me, Valentine. I've been around a flash addict before myself, and I've been one. You're coming back with me."  
  
"Like hell I am, Rebecca," he told her, starting off. Beka grabbed his arm to stop him. "Leave me alone, Rocket!" He shrugged her off.  
  
"I'm not leaving you, Rafe," Beka told him, and hooked her arm around his in an effort to keep him from leaving.  
  
"I don't see why you care so much, anyway," Rafe spat at her as he tried to get away again. "I mean, right now, I'm no better than dad was and I don't think you want to become my Little Ball and Chain now do you?"  
  
She slapped him across the face. "You take that back, Rafe Valentine."  
  
"Exactly! I'm a Valentine, Beka. And we Valentines are Flash addicts!" Rafe said, glaring at her.  
  
"Not me," Beka said icily, starting to drag him back to the Maru. "Not me."  
  
"Don't act so high and mighty, little sis. I heard how high you got on Flash. Do you think it was hard getting the story out of Harper and Rev? From what I hear, you even begged to take it as you OD'd," Rafe said cruelly. "Blood of his blood, huh, Beka? You always were more like him than I was."  
  
Beka clenched her teeth in order to stop the tears. "I'm going to believe that was the Flash talking, Rafe." She shoved him in the Maru, where he landed, dazed, on the floor in his old room. Even so, he managed to get in one more parting blow before she locked the door on him.  
  
"You know it's true, Rebecca! You can't escape your family! You can pretend I don't exist, and you can pretend Dad didn't die an addict, but you'll always be a Valentine!"  
  
Beka leaned against a wall when the door was closed and safely locked. "I'm not my father. I'm not my father. I'm not my father..." 


	7. Painful Lessons

Disclaimer: I still don't own it, but if I did...  
  
Spoilers: It Makes a Lovely Light, The Widening Gyre  
  
Author's Note: There you go, Lrnd, some Rev for you! And Harper will appear in a later chaper. Tyr may if I can find a place for him. Please R&R!!!  
  
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It is the province of knowledge to speak  
  
And it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.  
  
-Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. (1809 - 1894)  
  
Chapter Seven: Painful Lessons  
  
Dylan paced. He paced and paced, and then he paced some more.  
  
"Dylan?"  
  
He jumped at pulled out his force lance, whirling around to prepare to fire...at Rev Bem. "Oh, Rev, I'm sorry. You...startled me."  
  
"I came to see if perhaps you might be convinced to take a rest," Rev told him with a disapproving tone. "Andromeda informs me that you have not slept since Rebecca left two days ago."  
  
Dylan returned to his pacing. "And this means?"  
  
"Either you are not tired, or you are worried about something. Or someone," Rev said, sitting down on the bench and beckoning Dylan to sit beside him. Dylan reluctantly went.  
  
"I'm worried about Beka," Dylan admitted.  
  
"She can take care of herself," Rev pointed out. "She is quite capable."  
  
"I know that, Rev, and I'm not worried about the fact that she's alone...well, not much. It's what she said to me before. About..." Dylan trailed off. He doubted Beka would want him to repeat what she had said, even if she had said it in anger. But...this was Rev. "She said that she...chose not betraying me over the lives of her crew."  
  
"Beka never breaks her promises, Dylan."  
  
"It was more than that, Rev!" Dylan exclaimed.  
  
Rev sighed. "You are correct. I doubt Beka would like me telling you this, but I believe it may...help you understand her. Her mother left their family when she was very young after she discovered that Ignatius- Beka's father-had been lying to her about illegal drug running. She wanted to take Beka and Rafe with her, but Ignatious threatened to hunt them down and hurt Beka should she even attempt to touch them. It...it broke her, Dylan. She was not a strong woman to begin with. Three months later, they came across her at a Wayist hospice, very ill and near death. Ignatius told Beka that her mother had been gone only because she had been ill. She died two days afterwards. That was when he started taking Flash. Years later, Rafe told Beka the entire story. That was when Rafe left, and then Beka's father died...she felt as if she had been living a lie. All of the broken promises her father had made her bore down on her heart, and that was when she said that she would never break a promise. I was there, Dylan, and the anger in her, the pain...she will die before she breaks a promise."  
  
Dylan hung his head. "I...didn't know. I really don't know any of them. How can I make the right decisions if I don't know them?"  
  
"You can never really know a person, Dylan."  
  
"But Beka-I had no idea. Even when she took Flash to try and get us to Tarn-Vedra, I still didn't know why she thought it was so important. I would have let her stop, any time, we didn't have to go to Tarn-Vedra that second."  
  
"She promised she would take you to Tarn-Vedra, Dylan, and-"  
  
"She nearly died to keep that promise," Dylan finished for him. "But...we worked that out. We talked it out a long time ago. And then...the World-Ship brought it up all over again."  
  
"She thought she was going to lose you. She thought she would lose all of us," Rev said. "She cares deeply for us, the people whom she considers her family."  
  
"And to Beka, letting anything bad happen to her family, or leaving us behind, or letting us die...that would be like betraying us, wouldn't it?" Dylan asked, feeling the pieces start to come together.  
  
"Yes. And she was forced to choose between breaking a promise or betraying her family-"  
  
"And either decision, she couldn't live with, and seeing me is just making her remember her decision over and over again. Oh, Beka, I'm so sorry!"  
  
Rev laid a hand on his shoulder. "She will come back, Dylan. But she needs the time to work out her feelings." He left the room so quietly that Dylan barely noticed he was gone.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Beka, I'm so sorry..."  
  
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And in the next chapter, it's back to Beka! (in case you were wondering) 


	8. Family Matters

Disclaimer: When I own Andromeda, I'll tell you, okay?  
  
Author's Note: Please, please review. I'm just going for 50 by the time this fic is done. And it won't be done for a couple more chapters. So please, review! (and a great big thank you and lots of hugs for all of you who have reviewed already) I would even love criticism!  
  
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When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.  
  
-African proverb  
  
Chapter Eight: Family Matters  
  
"Beka, please, I need more-"  
  
"No you don't," Beka told her brother. He was lying on the floor, face pale and sweaty, eyes holding a pained expression, and looking more vulnerable than Beka could ever remember him looking. She handed him a plate of food and a cup of coffee, then sat down next to him with her own. "The more Flash I give you, the harder it will be for you to get off it. Besides, what if you OD?"  
  
"Beka, I won't, I promise. Just a little more. I'll come off it gradually," he pleaded, not touching his food.  
  
Beka winced as he begged with the exact same words that she had when she was speaking to Rev. "That's not possible, and we both know it. Now eat your food, it'll help you feel better."  
  
She was unprepared when the plate hit the side of her face and the stinging coffee burned her hand. "I don't want food, Rocket! I need Flash! I'm going to die if I don't get Flash and it's going to be your fault!" Rafe screamed at her, grabbing her arm.  
  
Beka jerked away from him in shock. "No, Rafe, I'm trying to save you!"  
  
"You're trying to kill me! I'm going to die just like Dad did and it's going to be your fault all over again!"  
  
That hurt Beka so much more than the bruise forming on her cheek and the burn on her hand. "Dad didn't die because of me. He died...he died because you left!"  
  
"Sure, blame it on me, Rocket! But you were his little ball and chain, not me!" Rafe said cruelly to her.  
  
"Stop bringing that up," Beka demanded. "Stop talking about Dad!"  
  
"Fine, let's talk about you!"  
  
"What about me?"  
  
"The fact that you're willing to let your own brother die before letting him take drugs just because you think I'll never be able to get off them! I will!" Rafe insisted.  
  
"I was on Flash!" Beka yelled at him. "I know how hard it is to get off once you're on!"  
  
"Oh, so the great, pure Valentine fell? I didn't know that, Rebecca. So you know I need more!"  
  
"No, you don't need more, you need to fight the addiction. Don't you think I know how it feels? To want Flash when I wake up, or before I go to sleep, or to think about how much better I could pilot if I was on Flash? I know how it feels and I won't give you more Flash! I won't!" she said desperately.  
  
"But, Beka, I can't do it, I need Flash. It hurts all over, Beka," Rafe told her, sounding like he was in such agony that Beka almost gave in. But she couldn't. She couldn't let Rafe end up like her father.  
  
"I...I can't, Rafe. I can't. You...you won't be Rafe if I give you Flash. You're my family, and I can't let you die on Flash. I won't. I promise, Rafe, I'll help you through this." Just like Dylan had promised to help her through her cravings for Flash. Dylan. Just when she had stopped thinking about him and the Andromeda and what had happened. But it was always the same thing. It always came down to family and Flash and promises.  
  
"Beka...Beka, please..." Rafe tried one last time, then collapsed. Beka rushed him to the pitiful medical facilities on the Maru, but she couldn't do much. He had been on Flash for too long and his system couldn't handle it. Her thoughts turned once more to Dylan.  
  
"I can't go back," she muttered. "I can't face him again, I just can't." But as she looked at Rafe, and remembered her promise to him, and saw what state he was in, and realized he needed medical attention, and she knew what she had to do.  
  
After a few long transits through slipstream, she had found the Andromeda. Opening a channel to Command, and knowing how she must look with a bruise on her face and a bandaged hand, she said, "Requesting permission to come aboard."  
  
To Be Continued....  
  
Cliffhanger ending dedicated to Cassie:D 


	9. Homecoming

Author's Note: This is also known as the sappy chapter. You have fair warning. And THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who reviewed!!!  
  
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Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.  
  
-Bill Cosby  
  
  
  
Chapter Nine: Homecoming  
  
"She says she can't remember when she slept last. She thinks it was before she left Andromeda five days ago, but she must have slept at least a little since then. But still, she needs to sleep, Dylan," Trance told him in a quiet, worried whisper. They turned to look at Beka. She was sitting and simply staring at her brother. Dylan shook his head.  
  
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"He's in Flash withdrawal, Trance, he just collapsed!"  
  
"All right, Beka, calm down, he'll be fine. Now let me look at you."  
  
"Like hell! I don't want your purple hands anywhere near me!"  
  
"Beka! I...I...should look at your hand....and your face..."  
  
"I'm fine. I'll be fine. Concentrate on Rafe. Now."  
  
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That had been all. No explanation of where she had been, no apologies for having left so abruptly, no wanting to talk about what had happened, and no reason at all for Rafe being with her or being in Flash withdrawal.  
  
"I'll take care of her, Trance," Dylan told the purple one. "Go rest." Trance nodded and slipped silently out of the room.  
  
Without any warning, Beka started to cry. She just put her head down on her arms and sobbed. After a moment's hesitation, barely even a second, Dylan sat down next to her, pulled her into his arms, and let her cry.  
  
When he felt her shaking cease, and her breathing slow and deepen, he knew she was asleep. He picked her up, laid her on the bed nearest to Rafe's, and covered her with a blanket.  
  
He kissed her forehead. "Pleasant dreams, Beka." 


	10. In the End

Author's Note: Thanks to all who reviewed, but especially Sabrina and Iara, you guys are great!  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Cassie...without you, this chapter would never have been written...or at least not for a VERY long time!  
  
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.  
  
-Sophocles  
  
Chapter Ten: In the End  
  
"Hey, Beka!"  
  
"Hey."  
  
Dylan sighed. He had been hoping for a little more than that. "What's up?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"At all?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
He sighed again. "Rafe's doing well?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That's good. Do you think he'll stay this time?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ummm...Beka?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Did you suddenly lose your vocabulary or is this a game to see how many times you can answer me with one word?"  
  
Dylan watched as a ghost of a smile started to spread across her face. "Oh, don't go and ruin this with a smile now!" he said sarcastically as he sat down next to her. The two grew quiet; Dylan waiting for her to say something, and Beka apparently doing her best not to.  
  
"Dylan..." Beka started, then stopped. He just sat there, waiting. "Dylan, Trance says Rafe will be up in a few days."  
  
"That's good," Dylan agreed, knowing she would say more eventually.  
  
"At least I saved him," Beka said softly. "He'll be fine and hopefully he won't go back on Flash."  
  
"Well, he's got you to help him," Dylan told her.  
  
Beka laughed bitterly. "Are you kidding me? A Flash addict trying to stop another Flash addict from taking Flash? We'd end up using it together. Two Valentines on Flash. How funny would that be? You guys would have a fun time with that, believe me, one is enough! More than enough!" Beka's voice was nearing hysteria with every sentence.  
  
"I know, Beka, I know, I just meant-" Dylan tried to explain as she took a deep breath.  
  
"I don't want him to die like my dad did!" she finished at a near yell, then turned away.  
  
Dylan put a hand on her shoulder. "Beka, we won't let that happen. We can keep him here on the Andromeda."  
  
"You can't keep a Valentine anywhere, Dylan, or have you forgotten?" Beka said harshly, turning to glare at him.  
  
"That's right. Valentines run away from their problems." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Dylan regretted them, and for a moment, he thought she would slap him. Instead, she looked down and said in a whisper,  
  
"We do, don't we."  
  
"Beka, I didn't mean that," he tried to assure her.  
  
"Yes, you did, Dylan, and it's true," she said quietly.  
  
"No, it's not, Beka! You didn't run away from Rafe, did you?" he pointed out.  
  
"I only met up with Rafe because I was running away from you!" she shot back, and then her eyes went wide as she realized what she said. "I...I...um..."  
  
"Beka...I talked with Rev while you were...taking a break," Dylan said gently. "And...he helped me realize something. I put you between a rock and a hard place during the Magog situation, and I'm sorry. This whole thing...it's my fault as much as it is yours. Maybe more."  
  
"Dylan, I backed myself into that situation. I took Flash in the first place."  
  
"And I asked you to choose between betraying me and saving your crew!" Dylan said, shooting her own words back at her.  
  
"And I chose you, godammit! Why did I chose you? I've been with my crew longer, they're my family! You're all my family! How could you ask me to choose between one member of my family and the others, Dylan, how could you do it?!" she screamed at him. "I wanted to take Flash, Dylan, I needed to take Flash, it would have boosted my reaction time and let me save all of you, but then where would I have been? You would have kicked me out or been disappointed in me just like I used to be disappointed in my father and I would have been him all over again!" She stood up, either angry or embarrassed, and went to look out the window. "I...I don't want to become my father, Dylan. He took Flash, he betrayed my family, he betrayed me...I didn't want to betray you, Dylan...but it almost cost me my family..."  
  
Dylan broke in. "Beka, by taking Flash, you would have betrayed all of us. Think about it, Beka. Harper or Rev or Trance wouldn't want you to take Flash, even to save their lives. I would rather die before seeing you like that again, Beka. When you're on Flash, you aren't the woman I know and you aren't the woman I've come to love." He had said love, hadn't he...  
  
"Did...did you say...did you say love?" Beka asked hesitantly, turning slowly towards him, face down towards the floor.  
  
"Yes, Beka." He had said love, and he realized it was true. "I do love you, and I always will, no matter what you do. You can leave, you can break all the promises in the world, you can take Flash, and I'll still love you. But part of loving you is trying to keep you from doing those things. And damn it, Beka, I do love you, and I'll try my hardest the keep you from getting hurt or from hurting yourself." He took her hands and pulled her down to sit beside him.  
  
She looked so uncertain as she spoke, and refused to meet his eyes. "Dylan, I'm so sorry, I don't deserve this, I'm a ball and chain-"  
  
Dylan sighed and kissed her to shut her up. After they broke apart, he cupped her chin and told her, "Don't say that. You deserve this more than anyone else I know. I love you."  
  
Beka whispered, "I love you, too."  
  
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The end! Or is it? If you guys want an epilogue, it may be possible. MAY be. But I have to get a considerable amount of requests. Or one or two really desperate ones *grins*. 


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